Ask Dirk! #5
Monday 28 August 2000
Before we begin, let's thank today's help. Today's laughs are brought to you
through the generous assistance of Eric Faires, Nick Puzak, Andrew Duthie,
Dennis Bitner, and indirectly, Mayor Corky Reed.
OK, so they're off...I'll let Adam or Eddie or whoever bore you with the
details of the rally's doings and choices for today and tomorrow. The
highlight to me is the riders having the opportunity to "Get their Asses
Kicked" at the "World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine". This
is definitely something
I should have and am probably way overdue for, but I ain't going near it.
The thought of riders having to travel to Mayberry RFD to get their hair cut
by Floyd the Barber for bonus points makes me laugh out loud...
...all together now...
"Ooh, Ooh Andy!!!!"...these TeamStrangers are sick
I tell you.
The other thing that really amuses Eddie is finding themes for a ride...like
today's Elvis! Elvis! Elvis! route. Obviously predictable stuff like
and Tupelo will figure in, but where we really need to look at is the "Elvis!
Still Alive!!!" Museum in Wright City Missouri, and even better to me,
Springs, Mississippi's local freakin' NUT-CASE Paul McLeod who has turned
P.O.S. home into a Elvis! Shrine named, appropriately enough, "Graceland
Notice the stunning array of ten years worth of Christmas trees planted in
buckets of cement along the house. Feast your eves on the fact that he PAINTED
all the live trees around the house WITH A PAINTBRUSH!!!! Marvel at the
estimated 15,000 TV Guides, each one hi-lighted and paper-clipped on every
that mentions Elvis! Elvis! Posters, Elvis! Cut-outs, Elvis! lamps...
available at the museum THAT NEVER CLOSES!!! That's right...they claim
are available 24 hours per day. And if ol' Paul's not there, don't worry.
ONLY son, ELVIS AARON PRESLEY McLEOD will be more than happy to show you
around...yes indeed, all I could think about the whole time I was there was
"when do they pull out the knives and kill me."
These people are absolute loonies and it does me good (as opposed to last
when Kristi did me well) to know that many ButtLite riders will experience
firsthand...at about 2 am.
Anyway, the key to the ride is doing all 4 Elvis! locations (including the
City location) to cash in on the Elvis! Elvis! Elvis! Superbonus...would you
go to Wright City Missouri for 40 points? You have to in order to make the
route work. If you screw it up and don't get the rest though, you went all
way for nothing.
Be the hero...or be the goat? Screw that, I wanna be Elvis!...the
chicks and drugs part..... not the dying on the john part......
See you next time..........and it's gonna be a great one!!!
Dirk "Elvis!" Diggler
e-mail me your chick's photo at: firstname.lastname@example.org
and p.s....oh, never mind.
*note* Elvis! should be a registered trademark of someone. With enough
in the world being so obsessed about this dead mf'r, he rightfully deserves
exclamation point after his name...Elvis!...see? just like that. If
one of the morons that are this obsessed about this loser, we collectively
advise you to get a life.
..........."Hey man, Elvis was a fuckin' humanitarian, that's what he
was...every drug he took meant that there was one less drug on the street
that a 13 year old could get their hands on..........
he was doin' it for us man,.........for the children................"
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