I'm home, baby.
T'was not to be unfortunately, as the museum was NLA, no doubt having been
pushed out of the picture by the big-shots down the road at Ripley's Believe it
or Not Museum who, for the record, boast of having the world's only reproduction
of the Mona Lisa made entirely of CHEESE TOAST.......
Dairy topped wheat product art notwithstanding, I personally feel that the town
of St. Augustine (Oldest Town in America!.....and I've got a keychain that
proves it!!) is somehow poorer for the loss. In the meantime, anyone who comes
across the Mansfield Death Car, please let me know of it's where-abouts........after
checking the backseat of course.
So now it's 6pm and getting dark, and I'm here at Jack's Bar-B-Que (Best in
America!!) trying to decide where to look next. Ty Cobb's gravesite is of course
a must-do, and how can I possibly wear the TeamStrange colors if I neglect to
stop at Billy Carter's gas station. The possibilities are unending......as is
the impending sense of tiredness I feel coming on.
Riding on through the backroads in Georgia, my mind goes wandering with less and
less restraint as it gets later and later. Thoughts are freely transferring from
one topic to another as I attempt to just get down the road.....to just get to
one more bonus site. My mind wanders from a day at the beach with my Grandpa
Jack to crashing my first bike the 2nd day I had it to the first girl I was ever
smitten with.....(a certain dark-haired 4th grader named Lori Konerza)......she
couldn't care less about me, even though I did everything I could think of to
display my affections.......... ....including a swift kick in the nose on the
playground one day. Despite such a showing of my desire, she remained cold and
distant until the day I moved away from town 6 years later. If she didn't get
it, well then that was just her loss I guess...though still I wonder what might
Columbus, Georgia looms up ahead with it's double-bonus potential.........both
Katey the Cow AND the grave of the inventor of Coca-Cola.......For awhile, I
wonder what would happen if we shook up his coffin (would he come fizzing out?),
and then ponder the thought of what was the worse thing to come out your nose
when you laughed before this guy's invention. Katey is Kool, but she's no Salem
Sue...........I say this over and over and congratulate myself on my rhyming wit......
I'm really, really tired now...........and I'm guessing I'll probably only be able to
make one more bonus.........
I get to Fort Benning, Georgia and plead with the guard to let me in. "You don't
understand," I implore him, "my whole life has been spent planning to see your
huge bronze statue of Adolph Hitler's head mounted upside down and used as a
trashcan." The guard is clearly unmoved..."We're Closed" he repeats......"But hey
man, I was in the Navy, so we're practically brothers," I try........and "if you won't
let me in, can I at least shoot something with your gun?" From this point on, Corporal
Closed-mind won't even talk to me, despite my many attempts. I really was in the
Navy--for negative 1 day--due to being discharged the day before I was
enlisted......but that's another story.
Less than 1 mile from Fort Benning, I'm stopped by one of Georgia's finest.
"What you doin' out here, son?" asks Officer Night-shift. "Working on the
ButtLite" I reply. "uhhh......Do you need to go to the hospital?", I'm asked.
"Only if it's make a good bonus site," I tell him. When another trooper
arrives, I begin to get worried. Here I am, with a suspended license, in the
middle of Georgia, getting HASSLED BY THE MAN......I knew this could be a bad
scene......next thing you know they'll run my license, then find out it's not
worth the plastic it's made of, then find out about all the warrants, then
they'll wanna take me in for some trumped-up petty reason. Just when I'm
envisioning myself on America's Most Wanted as a CAPTURED!! story, a call comes
over the radio about a drunk in a pick-up running into the local FIRE TRUCK
(honest officer, I didn't see him!!!). Giving me a stern look, the officers let
me know that "I should stop doing whatever I was doing and watch myself because
I might not be so lucky next time". I assure them that I'm now a changed man,
have seen the error of my ways, and promise to never again laugh at the
newsreports of orphanages burning down. This vow actually haunts me for some
time, and it turns out to be DAYS before I can again find humor in the
misfortune of others.
Long story short, I'm over due to get my ass kicked......tune in to see if that
send me your questions, explicit photos and propositions to:
Back to Ask Dirk!