ButtLite 5000 Intelligence Reports
News and Views from Rallymaster Adam Wolkoff
28 JUNE 1999
From: Adam S. Wolkoff
Subject: BL5K: tick tick tick tick
Send reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date sent: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 23:31:33 -0500
Today is June 28, 1999. The Wolkoff-Kelley household spent June 28th as we have for the last 15 years: we celebrated KT's birthday.
One week from today will be July 5, 1999. On that day, the first ever ButtLite 5000 will depart St. Paul Minnesota for Denver, then Marietta, then Springfield. Five days and about 5000 miles later, BL5K riders will find themselves back in St. Paul, with more than a few stories to tell.
Tonight, after toasting the birthday girl, I find my thoughts drifting back to an evening in March, 1998, when the idea for this whole mess was hatched. Eddie and I were on the phone, bench racing as usual, when the topic of Rallies surfaced. We started joking about a "baby Ironbutt" rally, and before we realized, we'd talked ourselves into the idea of putting on such an event. "Hell, it'll be easy," we thought, "we can do it at the same time as the Minnesota 1000."
One half of that sentiment proved correct. We did plan both rallies concurrently. As to the ease of the task, lets just say that Ed and I are a bit grayer now than we were last March. But what a payoff! As I pull together final details, my eye is drawn back to the list of entries. Consider that half of the top ten finishers in the WATR--Parece, Dye, Grills, Damron and Stephans--are BL5K riders. Consider Brent Bruns, who placed 1st in Expert class, and third overall, in a little event we call the Minnesota 1000. Consider the fact that these riders--who have proven themselves in some tough competition--were virtually unknown to the LD Community when this event was conceived some fourteen months ago.
Look at that list again. Look at Pauline Ralston and Richard Smith, the riding grandparents. Ol' Grandma's got about 20,000 miles under her belt. This summer. Junior, get back on the porch.
Look at Dan Stephans. Hell, look at both of them, father and son. Elder and Younger both ran the MN1K. Dad said it was like old times, chasing Junior around the patch. I'm nominating Dan II for the persuasion award: his wife is on the verge of bringing Dan III into the world, and he gets a kitchen pass to run the rally. Dan's wife, we're putting up for sainthood, after the nice men in the white coats get done talking to her.
Some riders have ridden the roller coaster before the event has even started. Take, for example, one Airyn Darling. Somehow, between her day job and maintaining a personal web empire that defines the term "expanding universe," Ms. Darling became interested in riding. After narrowly averting a date with fame via an Australian documentary film crew, Airyn's bike crapped out, leaving her BL5K participation in some question. Fate intervened, in the form of an anonymous toady of capitalism, and granted her request for financing on a K11RS. Fate? Foreshadowing? If Airyn can believe it, it might be so.
Tick, tick tick. The clock counts down. Eddie and I are losing sleep nightly, sweating every last detail. Tick, tick, tick. Route sheets are printed, rider trinkets boxed and ready, meals planned and organized. Tick, tick, tick. Riders make their lists, check them twice, and wonder about the different ways we will toy with their minds.
Tick, tick, tick.
The ButtLite 5000 is one week away.
Tick, tick, tick.
Call up the zoo and report a leak.
Tick, tick, tick.
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